Making Your Own Path

Pondering life, Kinlochleven

At the age of 25yrs I was one of those people who still had no idea what to do with their life. I had arrived in this confused and rudderless state through a chain of ‘failures’ that today I would call ‘life lessons’. But back then I was keen to find something to offset what in my mind was a slow start at making my mark on the world.

So I settled on a boyhood notion and joined the police force where I served for 27yrs and 8 months. Back then it was very attractive to a penniless dropout like me, and the pension, a big chunk of security for the future. A security that later became my ‘golden handcuffs’ keeping me bound to a career that had long lost its lustre. Of course you don’t turn up for the interview in that desperate state of mind. I joined because I wanted an exciting and rewarding career where I could serve my community, didn’t I? So how does a career with a good salary, well paid overtime, freedom to work largely unsupervised and opportunity to travel (yes travel) cause one to question where they are in life? To the point of packing it all in just over two years before being able to take a full pension?

There was no one ‘thing’ but rather an accumulation of ‘things’ that all came together over a period of time to open my eyes to the fact that despite my lifelong conditioning, and limiting beliefs, anything was in fact possible. However, two things stand out above the rest. The first, was a not so innocent and fairly simple question, “Scott, if you could imagine any way of life that you wanted, what would it look like?” I remember staring blankly into space. Surely the answer should roll off my tongue? Nope nothing. I felt embarrassed. Then my Ego stepped in to ‘help’ me; well what a silly question, when am I ever going to get the chance to do anything other than what I do now? When would I even have time to put aside to entertain such fanciful, airy fairy thoughts? What could I possibly have to offer; what talents could I possibly have that would allow me to do something different? You can only think that way when you retire; what a pointless question…and so it went on. Once that voice gets on its soap box, it’s easier to gag an evangelical preacher. But the barb had been set, it worried its way into my subconscious and my heart allowed itself to skip a beat; surely he’s not going to allow himself to dream? My Ego looked on in scorn…

The second thing was one of the most extraordinary moments in my life; when I understood that ‘I’ was not the voice in ‘my’ head. I realised that my head actually contained not just that one voice but an extraordinary number of voices, all of them trying to ‘help’ me. The epiphany came when I suddenly understood that ‘I’ wasn’t any of them. The sense of freedom I felt gave me more joy than I could remember as I told all of the unwanted house guests at the party in my head to, ‘go do one’. I laughed to the point people started staring at me. Sadly this brief moment of enlightenment didn’t last more than a few hours until my Ego sidled back in. However, the connection to ‘being’, an understanding to a lack of ‘self’ as Buddhists would say, had been made and looking back that’s when the hard work really began.

Now I was allowing myself to dream a life that I had never imagined and I went about bringing it into reality. I gave 3 months notice that I was retiring, I looked at what I had accumulated in my life and asked myself, what did I really need? What was of true value to me? What gave me joy? In short, mostly everything got sold, house, car and all my furnishings. I was left with a couple of bags of clothes (mostly outdoor gear), some personal sentimental type items, my camera equipment and a kayak. That was it. 53yrs of life on planet earth and this was what I had to show for it. I was as happy as a pig in the proverbial. I had gotten rid of all my debt, that felt good. I had a small amount of money in the bank and a decent monthly pension.

Now what..?